Not long ago, I wrote a piece called “The Vertigo of Peace.” Not much later, I am feeling that feeling, intensified and magnified.
This time, it’s not a random weekend evening, a cup of hot chocolate in my hand, wondering, “Is this what peace feels like?” This time, it’s the middle of a working day.
The Positive Chaos
- An action that inspired hundreds of thousands of people on the internet.
- A paper that was “just a try”… and got accepted. My first.
- A messy apartment, new furniture waiting to be organized.
- And me… in the middle of all of it.
When you’re used to chaos and turbulence in a negative way, and you have a mentally ill brain, your healing journey is about finding balance somewhere in the middle. The “strength” people talk about? It’s the grit of a soul that is deeply aware of its own weaknesses.
But… but when the chaos is positive, everything pauses. It’s a new zone for the brain. It goes, “Ah… how am I supposed to process this?” And the answer is: I have no idea.
The Prediction Error
It’s overwhelming. And believe it or not, panic attacks follow. While you’re sitting there like, “Excuse me… WHAAAT?” I find myself searching through all the psychology I’ve ever read, trying to figure out how to sail through this.
In my favorite book, “The Brain” by David Eagleman, he explains that the brain is a prediction engine. It builds an internal model of the world based on what we’ve already lived through. If your “map” was drawn during years of survival, your brain has physically carved out neural pathways to anticipate the storm. When the sun finally comes out, you experience a massive prediction error. Your brain isn’t trying to sabotage your happiness; it’s simply confused because the “reality” it prepared for hasn’t shown up. As Eagleman says:
“Your brain doesn’t see the world as it is; it sees the world as it was.”
Learning to Stay
For now, I’m holding on to one thing: this is temporary. And for the first time, in moments where extreme happiness is causing panic attacks, I’m telling myself:
“This too shall pass.”
Because that’s life. It’s crazy, but it’s true.
- There is no constant state of happiness.
- There is no shortcut to “happily ever after.”
- There is no mantra that magically fixes everything.
There’s just… this. And learning how to be in it.
And maybe… this is what growth actually feels like. Not graceful. Not poetic. But confusing, overwhelming, a little scary… and very, very real. Maybe peace was never meant to feel like a soft landing. Maybe sometimes, it feels like standing on unfamiliar ground, trying not to lose balance.
And maybe I don’t need to understand it fully. Maybe I don’t need to control how I react to it. Maybe all I need to do… is stay. Stay through the discomfort. Stay through the confusion. Stay through the happiness that feels too big to hold. Because if I can sit through chaos, I can learn to sit through peace too.
And one day… this vertigo won’t feel like falling. It will feel like flying. Till then, I will be sailing with it, in it, along with it!
Hope you do too!
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