Welcome to the world of Travels and tales!

I have decided. I will become a writer. One or the other day some odd Bollywood director will come to me and ask for my story and I will become a celebrity too. Moreover, I can get all of this without even getting up from my chair.

I was loud enough to create an echo in that empty room. I felt like everything in the room is laughing at me. Wait; probably it could be my hallucination. Maybe I drank too much. Then I picked up the black dog bottle on the table and realized I was correct. I drank too much, a full bottle. Is it too much? Let me check, Mm Hmm, well it is because I am not able to move. I cursed myself for having too much of it. I could not get up. I just leaned back completely on the chair and closed my eyes.

Someone said that right. Alcohol can either be a boon or a curse. As I leaned back, my entire life just flashed in front of my eyes. I am an only child for my parents. When I say parents, It is about my Mom and her second husband. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 13. Both of them did not take long to move on and get married again. So, my father took my elder brother who was 15 by then and I am with my Mom. It wasn’t that hard for me. Me and my brother were in two different boarding schools since we were 6 and it was only because my mom and my actual dad couldn’t decide on the same school.

I never managed to clear my exams in the first go. Maybe I was never interested. I was not like other kids. I never had an interest in anything. No studies, no sports, and no extracurricular activities. My pillow was my best friend and so is my bathroom. I always had time to sleep. I could always feel some void and never wanted to speak to anyone. I completed my 10^th class in two attempts and Intermediate in only one attempt just because my Mom and the new Dad did not want to feel embarrassed. Then I met her! Ameya.

Ameya, A beautiful name isn’t it? Trust me when I say this, She is much prettier than her name. A girl of dreams. A girl who can turn heads. A girl beyond imagination. I saw her 8 years ago on my first day of college. Though I felt something for her in the very first second I saw her, I never dared to speak to her.

It was my 3^rd year of engineering and it was lab practical exams time. I never knew why but Ameya and I were always in the same batch in all the exams. I should thank my name, which helped me to get the very next roll number after her. I still remember it was the physics lab. Being the topper of the class, she managed to finish the theory in 20 minutes and the lab test in the following 10. I wonder how these topper people managed to do this. If it weren’t Ameya, I would have hated that person and killed too in my imagination. Once she was done with the exam, she turned towards me and asked, “Do you need my paper?” What else can go good? I had an evil grin (which wasn’t showing on my face) and I said, yes, that would be a great help. She gave her paper to me, waited for 15 minutes allowing me to copy and she left. We spoke for the first time in 3 years.

After that, we started talking. Thanks to her, I would have never spoken to her if she did not. We started having conversations and exchanged our numbers too. She is not like the other girls whom I see. Though I never spoke to any, I overheard a lot from my friends about girls. However, she is nothing like I heard. She is the most beautiful soul I have ever known. She was the only child of her parents. She was very much involved in social services. I still cannot forget my 21^st Birthday, which was celebrated in an orphanage with deaf and dumb kids. Ameya gave me a surprise on that day with it.

She never failed to make me feel special. She became the only one for me. I used to feel complete with her. She made me feel loved. I felt precious in her presence. She was the first person to make me feel special.

We used to talk a lot. Honestly, I never thought about anything else once I started knowing her. I never wanted to love her or have a family with her. I had a person to talk and that was more than enough for me. Almost after a year of our friendship, she called me in an afternoon during our semester holidays. I thought it was a normal call of hi and how are you. But the moment I heard her, I knew that it wasn’t. Her voice was filled with a lot of excitement and joy.

Hello Ayan,

Yeah, Ameya.

I am very happy today Ayan. Do you remember I told you about Pratik?

Yes, the man who proposed to you?

Yes, though I like him a lot, I could not say yes to him because of my parents. But you know what happened? He came to my home today, along with his parents. Their parents asked Dad for marriage and Dad said yes. I just cannot explain how happy I am. You know what, I did not even tell Prateek that I like him too. You are the only person who knows. You will keep it a secret right? I know you will. Ok, Mom is calling me, I will call you in the evening. Bye, Ayan.

She disconnected the call.

I could feel a saw doing its job seamlessly in my heart. I could feel what follows next. We talk every day and then every week and then once in a month and an untold unspoken good-bye. It was more than an end for me. I will be all alone again. All over again.

Then it started. I used to feel empty. I used to feel like I am being dragged somewhere. I used to feel that there is some weight on my chest. I could not breathe. I was all healthy and a normal person for everyone. However, I knew that I am not the same person anymore.

I used to sit on our overhead water tank waving my legs in the air. I used to look at stars and envy them for sharing the sky with their companions. There was a very big void, which I could not explain to anyone. It was more of a pain. A pain, which I could feel. A pain of being worthless. My busy Dad and Mom could not be much of a help for me. I was a living lost soul wondering about the destination. I used to feel like I am screaming for help but everyone is ignoring me. I used to come out of my room just to eat.

Then finally, I got a way to make people realize that I exist. I wanted my family and Ameya to know that I can be missed. Anyways I am being worthless, how about making them feel that I am important.

Then, I decided – Suicide

Yes, you read that correctly. I wanted to commit suicide. I wanted to be precious to people. I just can’t stay worthless forever. I have decided, to go to my favorite place, which is our overhead tank. I was neither high nor drunk. But I got all the courage I ever wanted, once I decided about what should be done. I sat there for so long, looking at the clouds, the sky and I guess everything. I wrote a note on the wall that no one is responsible for this and I just wanted to feel precious again.

I closed my eyes, remembered Ameya for one last time and I jumped.

I could feel the gravity pulling me towards it. I do not know how many seconds it was until I felt a big blow on my face and then I hit the ground.

Damn, that pain was excruciating.

I could feel every inch of my body. It is hurting. My head, It definitely is heavy. Maybe it is bleeding too much. I could see the light but could not speak. All I wanted to do was to scream for help. I wonder why I wanted help wherein I have already decided to die. I remember trying so hard to scream. But I could not even move a bit. My brain was working but none of my body parts were. I do not know for how long I stayed there. After a while, I could hear flies buzzing in my ears. There were flies all over, my nose ears, and mouth. I could not even close my half-opened mouth. Then finally, some of my house cleaners saw me in a pool of blood and screamed. And then its Ambulance followed by the hospital.

I was in a coma for 16 days. The moment I opened my eyes I realized that I lost my legs. The shape of my face is not the same anymore. I saw my Mom from the corner of my eye. She became half and I could see the pain on her face.

I went through 11 surgeries for the broken bones in my body. I can never stand again. I can never have my own family as I can never have kids of my own.

Now I have a paid caretaker appointed by my stepfather who takes care of me. I have to call him whenever I want to go somewhere. It took 2 and half years for me to recover.

Apparently, I wanted to know what happened to me and why did I do that.

Then, I came to know that I was suffering from “Depression”. A stage where I needed someone very badly. I wanted someone to listen to my pain and me. I felt like that was the end of the world. I just missed that one fact that no one will know until I speak for myself. I went through counseling and I am actually a normal person again. A real normal person.

It has been a year since I started a counseling office where people can walk in and speak about the pain that they are going through. I might not be able to give solutions but I listen.

I just want to tell everyone that “Depression” is a disease. It has to be cured like all the other diseases. You might not feel like going to a doctor and letting people know about it but let me tell you that you must. Do not ignore it.

It takes a lot of courage to die but it takes even more to survive and live.

Before committing suicide just think for a second that “What If I survive?” Trust me you won’t find Suicide as an option anymore!!!

Don’t let the depression take over and make your life to be “A Pain to Live for”!